Toxic Positivity vs. Validation and Support
Graphics by Vanessa Vergara.
I grew up thinking that everything happens for a reason. There had to be a reason behind every sad, angering, or miserable event that happened to me and my family. That phrase was repeated to me so many times that it quickly became my response to anyone’s bad day. “Don’t worry, everything happens for a reason. Just be positive.”
Whether or not you believe everything happens for a reason is up to you — but it can be the last thing someone needs to hear when they need support and validation. It can be difficult to hear “just think positive,” when we are going through trials in their lives we never thought we would encounter.
Graphics by Vanessa Vergara.
According to Medical News Today, toxic positivity is “an obsession with positive thinking. It is the belief that people should put a positive spin on all experiences, even those that are profoundly tragic.” While we may think that we are being supportive individuals by attempting to make the best of situations, we may actually be exhibiting toxic positivity. There is a fine line between being positive and being toxic to yourself and your loved ones.
Forced positivity can be uncomfortable: the folks on the receiving end are prompted to either process their emotions and thoughts, or sweep their problems and emotions under the rug and pretend to be happy and move on with life. Having a general positive outlook on life is not harmful, but the problem occurs when we place our friends and family in a position where they must be positive and ignore the severity and emotions of the situation. When we demand for people to think positively, we may be insufficient support, or make our loved ones feel judged, stigmatized, and as if their life events aren’t worth the conversation.
Toxic positivity is a learned behavior, through media tropes and themes, we have been told that our thoughts shape our outcome — but this isn’t accurate as life’s happenings.
There will be downfalls, there will be uphills and there will be a curvy road that lies up ahead. Ultimately, that’s the beauty of life -- allowing yourself to feel, allowing ourselves to feel the spectrum of emotions, without being confined to “being positive.” Toxic positivity can be running wild in our own personal lives, not allowing us to work through our own traumas and day to day anxieties.
Trust me, it’s okay not to be okay. I know, that is such a cliche to say, but it’s okay to feel sad, mad, or even angered by life events no matter how big or small they may seem. Allowing ourselves to become vulnerable and open to all emotions allows for our mind and heart to work through any deep rooted issues we may have been trying to jump over but could never because we’ve been told, “You’ll get over it, just be positive.”
Instead of sticking to toxic positivity, we can try to be supportive of our loved ones (and our own) situations and life struggles. Validation is something that we seek as individuals and is one way that we communicate acceptance of ourselves and others.
Validation means, regardless of the situation or process, we have our arms open to support and empathize with each other.
But allowing our loved ones to feel vulnerable and accepted is all the validation and support one could need. It allows for people to speak up about their emotions and ask for help when it is needed.
Graphics by Vanessa Vergara
So how can we avoid toxic positivity?
We can start by recognizing that emotions outside of positivity are normal, and an important part of the human experience
We can encourage people to speak openly about their emotions, concerns and thoughts
We don't need to have a positive response or solution oriented advice to everything a person says
Toxic positivity has been practiced for generations, instilled in our society. Allowing ourselves to take a step back and recognize how we can validate and support our loved ones and ourselves can make a world of difference.
Graphics by Vanessa Vergara.
What are some examples of toxic positivity vs. support and validation?
Toxic Positivity: “You will get over it soon.”
Support and Validation: “I believe in you, you have gotten through hardships before, I am here for you.”
Toxic Positivity: “Just look on the bright side!”
Support and Validation: “It’s okay to be disappointed right now, we can figure out a way to get through this together.”
Toxic Positivity: “It could be so much worse, be grateful”
Support and Validation: “That is really sad, I can see why you are feeling this way right now.”
Toxic Positivity: “Just think happy thoughts, don’t be so negative.”
Support and Validation: “It’s okay if you aren’t feeling that happy right now. It’s okay to feel your emotions. I am here for you.
Graphics by Vanessa Vergara.