Masturbation as Reclamation
How touching yourself can be a powerful tool in long term recovery from sexual trauma.
Content Warning for discussions of sexual violence/assault and rape.
Graphic by Hannah Chung.
According to RAINN, (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network, the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization), every 68 seconds, an American is sexually assaulted.
Sexual violence is a topic that has a heartbreakingly large return back rate. The NSVR (National Sexual Violence Resource Center) revealed that 1 in 5 women in the United States will experience attempted or completed rape. Nationwide, 81% of women, and 43% of men reported experiencing some form of sexual harassment and/or assault in their lifetimes.
As a survivor of sexual violence, I recognize within myself and those around me the generational, cultural, and collective maintenance of the violence that we endure within a society that is rooted in and fueled by rape culture.
Rape culture is defined as “a complex set of beliefs that encourage male sexual aggression and supports violence against women… A rape culture condones physical and emotional terrorism against women as the norm… In a rape culture both men and women assume that sexual violence is a fact of life, inevitable” by Emilie Buchwald in her breakthrough novel, Transforming a Rape Culture.
Freeing our world from rape and sexual violence of any sort should be a collective effort, as opposed to a burden carried by survivors alone.
This is still not the case. Due to this, I want to acknowledge the sheer injustice that is experiencing sexual assault, while asserting that it is under no circumstances, a fault of the victims. However, the cruel reality is that the responsibility to heal emotionally, physically and spiritually is one that is placed on survivors.
The body remembers what the mind has the capability to move on from.
Bessel van der Kolk’s revolutionary book, The Body Keeps The Score, explores this phenomena of precisely how and why trauma remains encoded in the viscera. Sexual trauma lingers in the body long after the assault(s) took place, and long after you cerebrally process and untangle what has happened to you. This is precisely why self-play and masturbation can play crucial roles in re-empowering an individual — it allows for a rewiring and reprogramming of the nervous system to take place on your terms.
In conversation with Claudia Vera (@reversecowgrrrl), a sex-positive educator and consent advocate living in New York City, we chatted about sexual trauma, the role pleasure has played in rediscovering your body on your own terms, and recommendations on where to start.
I hope to offer survivors re-engaging in self-play a landing ground for connection and inspiration. I have found re-investing and engaging with my sensual self on my own terms, in my own time, to be —alongside therapy and professional help — absolutely crucial in re-experiencing freedom within myself and my body.
Anahita: Can you provide a short bio, including the specific frameworks within which you engage with sexual education, consent advocacy, and sex positivity? How did you first become involved in these communities in deeper ways?
Claudia: Hey! I am a New York University graduate with a degree in Sexology and Trauma Informed Therapy living in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. I grew up going to Catholic school for a large chunk of my childhood, which imposed a lot of shame into my understanding of what it meant to be a sexual person. My high school sexual education was pretty nonexistent as well, so I entered college with a very limited understanding of sex, pleasure, my body, and how these all of these things interact. Unfortunately, I was raped in the spring of my freshman year of college, and while this event catalyzed a heavy load of trauma (and therapy), it also caused me to completely reconsider my own relationship to sex.
I wanted to make sense of sex, consent, and pleasure-seeking; because in some way, this pursuit of knowledge and information was also a way for me to try and make sense of what had happened to me.
Over the past 3 years, I have been involved with Unboundbabes’s “First Vibes Club,” along with Pelle (an excellent, up-and-coming toy company), and previously worked for the Women of Sex Tech. Within these companies and organizations, I’ve been able to garner a stronger sense of sexual identity while expanding my knowledge and critique of how our society shapes and views sexuality.
Do you have a personal working definition of pleasure within the context of sex? How do you define pleasure for yourself in your day-to-day and sexual life?
Pleasure is obviously specific and unique to each person, but to me, I view pleasure as a place where my own desires are met with vulnerability and compassion. When it comes to sex, the only way that I can fully allow myself to experience pleasure is by having the full assurance that I am safe, especially during partner play.
When it comes to sexual assault and rape, what is something you would love to tell survivors who may be reading and engaging with this article?
Don’t rush the healing process. If you don’t feel ready to have sex, that is perfectly okay. I think it is easy to feel like you have to be sexual in order to prove to yourself (or even to others) that you still can be. You don’t owe that to anyone. Seriously. You are not tainted, or broken, or made unloveable/undesirable because of what someone else did to you.
A violation of the body can also feel like the person stole a part of yourself.
I have been there, and I have felt that. But no one has the power to take that from you. It’s still there, inside you, and in due time with healing resources and support and the strength that you possess, it’ll come back.
Would you be able to speak on the role that masturbation has played in your healing process?
Absolutely! Self-play allowed me to set the pace at which I re-entered the world of intimacy. It allowed me to take control and ultimately allowed me to re-establish a relationship with my body that revolves around pleasure and care, as opposed to violence and shame.
Do you have any recommendations for products, brands or companies for all things sex?
Yes! I would recommend the Satisfyer Pro 2 from Bellesa and Unboundbabes’ Bender for vagina owners. I truly love most of Unboundbabes products and would recommend people to check them out! You can use my code “Claudia” for 10% off on their site. I also really recommend Whim by Pelle and you can use the code “Claudia” for 10% off through them as well! Bellesa.com is also my go to for ethical porn and erotica; they are a female-founded porn company that is changing consent practices within the porn industry with a focus on creating realistic porn for women, by women.
Lastly, do you have any recommendations for podcasts, books, and resources that have inspired and informed your work and views regarding pleasure?
Yes! For podcasts that discuss all things sex I would recommend Red Menace and Girls Gotta Eat. Books that have been nothing short of life changing for me have been The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk, Vibrator Nation: How Feminist Sex-Toy Stores Changed the Business of Pleasure by Lynn Comella, Trauma and Recovery by Judith Lewis Herman, Bluets by Maggie Nelson, The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, and the Zine “This is more about who we f*ck (and who f*cks us).”
Along with toys, masturbation, and touch of all variety, I have personally found immense comfort in affirmations before, during, and after engaging in intimacy, whether partnered or solo play. Phrases and mantras such as “My body is mine and mine alone, I am safe within this body,” or “I trust I am exactly where I need to be in my healing process” have been extremely grounding.
I see intimacy as a chance to connect with and meet myself where I am, and ultimately, as play that allows me deeper access to myself.
Every time I masturbate, I remind myself how beautiful my ability to bring myself pleasure can be. And how this is a sacred practice that no act of violence can take away from me.
There is power to be found in occupying bodies that are highly skilled in the art of rewiring and healing. In listening to our body and its needs, working through volatile triggers, rediscovering pleasure at our own pace, and coming home to compassion; it is true that healing is waiting for us around the corner.
Masturbation can be a powerful tool in the lifelong process that is reclamation and liberation from sexual violence. I recognize how frightening it can be to explore intimacy again, and urge any and everyone reading to truly remember to work with their bodies, rather than against them.
Healing is not linear, so accepting yourself and meeting yourself where you are at, as opposed to where you want to be, is crucial. This conversation is complicated and nuanced, but my hope is that knowing there is healing and empowerment available for survivors can encourage us to explore our own process, whatever that may look like.
Sources:
https://www.rainn.org/about-sexual-assault
https://www.nsvrc.org/statistics
Links to recommended products/sites:
https://unboundbabes.com/products/bender
https://feelpelle.com/products/whim
Graphic by Hannah Chung.