Self-identity as an Artist
Graphic by: Mary Rose
My relationship with my self-worth has been an ongoing journey of growth and self-discovery. When the first lockdown happened and my artistic pursuits were halted, all of that work was challenged.
Developing a career as an artist is hard enough, let alone when there’s a global pandemic steadily rising and impacting every aspect of day-to-day life. Like many people, I felt lost during this time in March 2020.
I wasn’t actively creative like I used to be pre-pandemic, my interests in my art declined, and my overall desire to push forward artistically dwindled. There are natural ebbs and flows to an artistic career, yet this felt like uncharted territory. Throughout this time I experienced how labeling myself an “artist” deeply affected my perception of my self-worth and my identity.
As an artist it is incredibly easy – a little too easy if you ask me – to subconsciously merge your self-worth with the worth of your artistic endeavors. If I write an amazing screenplay and everyone loves it, suddenly I view myself a little higher.
But if the screenplay tanks, or if I don’t create at all, my self worth plummets. How we feel about ourselves fluctuates from day to day, and that’s natural, but it shouldn’t be a direct effect from creating or not creating something.
There was a long period of time in 2020 when I wasn’t very creative and I wasn’t progressing my artistic endeavors. This caused me to go down a deep spiral and contemplate my self-identity. For so long I placed such high value in the word artist. I thought that “Sure, I matter, but not as much as when I create something really amazing.”
I questioned my worth for a long time. It caused me to second guess myself and potential artistic endeavors all together. I had attached my self-worth to my artistic endeavors, which caused me to feel like I wasn’t amounting to anything in life when I wasn’t creating.
Fortunately for me, I have a lot of friends in the creative world - from aspiring dancers and actors, to writers and directors. I turned to my friends and they were experiencing very similar emotions in regards to their art and self-worth. This helped me realize I wasn’t alone, and I started steadily picking myself up again.
“We are more than what we produce. I am more than my ideas and my passions and my work.”
But why were we all placing our value as human beings in the products of our work? I think as artists we let the art consume us which can be great for introspective pieces and digging deep in the moment, but this can have a real long term effect on the mind if there is no detachment from the work after it’s complete.
There is a lot of pressure to make art your whole “thing” and be consumed with it 24/7, but that isn’t healthy or ideal for anyone. Even professionals in their field need time off from their craft. No one is built to do it every day, all the time
And when did we stop placing value in people just being people? I am a human being above all else. Regardless of what I amount to in my life, that comes first. My basic, dire needs as a human being will always take priority.
We are more than what we produce. I am more than my ideas and my passions and my work. I am me. When did that stop being enough?
It sounds obvious, but if it was so obvious then why is it such a difficult concept to digest?
Too often I’ve heard phrases like “to create is to live” or “my art is me” or whatever the case may be. What happens to those people when for whatever reason — enter a global pandemic — they’re unable to perform their craft? People grow lost and confused, searching for a purpose.
I found myself in this exact position almost two years ago, and then I realized what I had been missing: my purpose is to live. My purpose is to go through life and experience everything in front of me.
This is not to say our art can’t bring us immense joy and even make those really tough times bearable. Artistic expression is important to living your truth, but it can’t become confused with your self-worth. The two are not synonymous.
I am worth the same when I’m not creating as when I am creating; my value doesn’t change because that is the value of a human being. We are more than what we produce.