No One is Just One Thing
Graphic by Christina Hara.
“So tell me about yourself.”
Frantically browsing through the various perceptions I have of my identity, I select the parts that are most likely to grant me acceptance in that moment.
My struggles with identity and self-image started with a divide between my culture and interests. I am a white presenting Latina and I have always been drawn to surf culture: the music, the people, the fashion, the sport, the language. But I wouldn’t dare use the word “stoked” at home and risk getting called “white-washed” by my family.
Conversely, I hesitated disclosing my ethnicity when immersed in predominantly white surf communities, avoiding being perceived as the minority. I treaded lightly along the fine line between these two sides of myself, under the impression that I couldn’t be too much of one or the other.
It was only when I started playing soccer that the line was erased, so I took full advantage.
Soccer was all I knew and cared about for most of my life. Outside of that, I had no idea who I was. Throughout college, I blindly followed in the steps of some of my teammates, majoring in Kinesiology because it seemed interesting enough and had a career path that was so clearly mapped out. My title as the captain of the women’s soccer team gave me enough of an identity so that I wouldn’t have to branch out.
Then the pandemic hit and all sports were canceled. So all I had left of my identity was being a student, which had an expiration date.
The first lockdown gifted me with a transitional period that felt like a breath of fresh air.
Without the weight of judgment on my shoulders, I was free to explore parts of myself that I never had before. I discovered my fascination with film photography, skating, painting, writing, and nature. I fully came to terms with my sexuality, but was still dressing for the male gaze and was only out to my very close friends.
In May of 2020, I decided to take advantage of the last few months I had left in the lease for my college apartment and move back in for the summer. All of my roommates decided to stay with their families, so I lived alone. Being isolated from both my friends and family, I fully stepped into my queerness and adopted a new look that I felt confident in.
Later that summer, I received a phone call that ended up changing the entire trajectory of my life.
The call was from the CEO of a semi-professional soccer team called Sporting Club Madrid, my soon to be coach. He asked “Would you be interested in playing abroad?” and without another word, smiling from ear to ear, my eyes filled with tears. I had longed for the opportunity to play competitive soccer again since the minute it was taken away from me in March of 2020. I had no clue what to expect or how to prepare for this, but I knew this was an opportunity that I could not miss.
Upon graduation, I took the leap of faith and moved my life to Spain in August of 2021. The first few months were filled with so much excitement and unfamiliarity. Meeting new people everyday, traveling often, playing with a new team, trying to find a place to live, and starting a new job as an English language assistant.
Eventually, the novelty of moving to a new country wore off. After playing a few soccer matches, I began to have minor issues with my lower back. With the lack of amenities and treatment, it slowly developed into a serious injury that would take me out of play for 3 months.
The back injury subsequently acted as a catalyst in the return of my struggles with identity. I had never lived in a big city before and all of the things that I used to identify with — I couldn’t do anymore.
The absence of soccer along with the inaccessibility to skating, surfing, and nature started to weigh on me.
I felt lost in a different country with a new culture, new social norms, a language that I had lost touch with, and no family closeby. Then I contracted COVID-19 and all of my internal battles with identity were no longer being covered with external stimuli. Counting down the days until I could be freed from my own company, it was no secret that I had lost my essence and didn’t know who I was anymore.
Externally, I was living my absolute best life constantly traveling and meeting new people. But internally, I was trying to reconnect with myself and figure out who I was. The problem was that I was trying to reconnect with my old self instead of trying to evolve and be better than I was before. There is a quote that Jay Shetty often refers to on his podcast “On Purpose” that truly encapsulates this notion.
“I’m not what I think I am, I’m not what you think I am, I am what I think you think I am.” — Charles Cooley
Once I realized that I was never going to achieve self-actualization and reach my full potential if I was always trying to live up to this expired image of myself, I started to really think about what I wanted from this next chapter of my life.
I knew that this was going to be my last year playing competitive soccer because of constant issues with my back and I wanted to find something to fill that void, so I took up rock climbing.
Then I started to question my career choice. I began closely observing the Spanish lifestyle, talking with many Europeans about their perspective on work-life balance, and learned that most Europeans don’t live to work, they work to live. They don’t value and identify with their careers the way we do here in the U.S., but rather they value the quality of life. This perspective kept echoing in my head until a switch was flipped. I did a 180 and decided I wanted to find a job that would allow me to travel often, to live the lifestyle I want, to continue to have a positive impact on people, and to channel my creativity.
I moved back to the U.S. after my lease was up in Madrid and immediately started to explore and apply to all of the different types of remote work that fit my criteria. I looked into being an au pair and started nannying locally. I started taking an online UX Design course, was a content creator for Weylyn Apparel, and applied for the journalist position here at TRASHMAG.
Like the game of Twister, I felt myself stretching and bending every which way — trying not to fall.
After what seemed like centuries, I was accepted into a digital media associate program, got the journalist position, made progress with the UX Design course, and started to feel myself crawling out of this void.
Although all of these roles didn’t seem cohesive, I was okay with that — because I finally realized that no one is just one thing.
Now I am able to embrace that I am one person with many different facets that make up my whole identity.
My goal is to be as many things as I can be in this lifetime and constantly rediscover myself.
I’ve realized that rediscovering yourself can take many different forms — from making a career change, finding new hobbies, and learning/accepting new traits about yourself. These are the things that make us unique and complex human beings.
I am a queer Mexican-American, bilingual journalist, digital media associate, and ex-soccer player who likes to climb, surf, skateboard, go to concerts, watch sports, travel, paint, write, read, be immersed in nature, shoot film photography, and everything in between.