Considering Queerness

A journey through the process of coming to terms with sexuality

Graphic by Corinne Davidson.

I was the kind of middle schooler who would watch “How to know if a guy likes you” videos — always to no avail. I was somewhat boy-crazy, which may have overpowered the other feelings that came along with pre-teen angst.

Growing up, I had a limited understanding of sexuality; I never even considered that I could be anything other than straight.

I distinctly remember hearing a YouTuber saying, “Women are much more likely to check out other women than men are to check out other men.” I tried to apply it to my own life, and it made perfect sense to me. I thought, “I don’t like girls, I’m just appreciating them.”

There was a day when I was daydreaming in English class and I happened to be staring at the back of some girl's head. When she suddenly turned around, my first thought was, Oh my god. please don’t think I’m gay. History goes to show I was in deep denial. 

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to realize and appreciate my queer identity; identifying the humor and queer undertones in those middle school experiences. When the thought initially crossed my mind that I may not be straight, it hit me like a bus. Although it took time, I eventually settled on identifying with bisexuality. I had liked girls and guys at that point, so it made sense. 

As I continued through high school and experienced my first relationship and breakup, I wondered if maybe I didn’t like guys, just girls. I slowly started to identify myself as a lesbian, which was initially scary. The combination of the social stigma of lesbians and my own anxiety surrounding how people might perceive me made it an intimidating label and word in general.

I wasn’t alone though; the fear surrounding the label is something many people face and is rooted in internalized homophobia.

In her article, How Internalized Homophobia Causes Lesbian Fear, LGBTQ, Refinery29 writer Kasandra Brabaw explains how hearing slurs and seeing negativity used against queer people can lead to internalized homophobia by making people associate queerness with those negative connotations. 

Brabaw explains that the word “lesbian” often has its own negative connotations because of the stereotypes surrounding lesbians in the media. A contributing factor to the negativity is the hyper-sexualization of lesbians.

Whether that be in mainstream media or porn, lesbians are often represented to please male viewers, thus providing an unrealistic and incorrect representation of who lesbians really are.

Learning the stigma around the term helped me to know that I wasn’t alone in my fear and that other people, including some of my peers, experienced the same things I was struggling with. That being said, I eventually found comfort in labeling myself as a lesbian and I was very proud of my identity.

Oh no, this story isn’t over yet — I must have had another label crisis. If you were thinking the same thing, then you’re correct! After labeling myself as lesbian for over a year, I ended up rethinking my feelings towards guys. The realization almost hit me harder than the epiphany of liking girls because I hadn’t genuinely had feelings for a guy in years. I’m a very emotional person and generally very in tune with myself, so when feelings I wasn't accustomed to came up, it threw me off.

Simultaneously, I was entering my first year of college. Being in a new environment, I worried people would think I was “straighter than I was.” People were meeting me in a time of confusion, and it bothered me that they could make judgments without knowing all the history behind my queer identity. 

One instance in particular that stuck with me was when I was telling a story in which I forgot to mention that the people involved were in a queer relationship. When I noticed the confused looks around me, I laughed and apologized, saying, “Sorry, I forget straight people exist sometimes.” Without missing a beat, a girl next to me questioned how I “could forget straight people exist” when I “date so many guys.” I was stunned. I went quiet. How could someone who was my friend say something like that without thinking about how it could affect me? I was still trying to figure out how I felt about guys, and I wasn't even dating any. I had gone out with two. 

That fear of erasing my queerness made me terrified to explore my feelings for guys.

But, after a lot of time and the reassurance that as long as I know who I am, it doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks, I finally came to terms with being pansexual. 

No one should feel the need to label themselves. There is so much beauty in just saying no to the constraints of a label. In my case, it helps me feel secure in myself while still being open to the fluidity of queerness. I went through so many labels and countless periods of confusion, but I consider the journey integral to who I am and proud to be.